To the boy who jammed his fingers down my pants on the log ride when I was eleven,
You were right.
You said that I would learn to like it.
I did, eventually.
Years later with boys who were not ham-fisted brutes
Boys who cut their fingernails and not me.
You said I would remember you
You said if I told I would be sorry.
Sorry I didn’t speak up sooner.
To the boy I didn’t marry because you cheated on me and got her pregnant,
I saw you three days ago
Walking into a restaurant
Your waistline was slightly thicker, your hair a little thinner
But you looked the same.
You looked good, even in khakis.
You called me big head like you used to do when we were kids and smiled at me and I remembered
Everything I would have traded for that smile.
I remembered the me that was in love with you and she was small.
Thank you for releasing me to grow.
To the boy who broke up with me over voicemail the week after my mom died,
To the boy whose virginity I took in 2006,
I am sorry.
I should have tried to love you or at least
Left you alone.
I was selfish, and I took what you offered
And I kept taking,
until nothing was left
I left you a shell of yourself, crumpled little pieces for the next girl to fix
That was wrong.
I thought if karma was a
Bitch she had met her match in me
With great pussy comes great responsibility and still I never expected to be
The wet shore
You broke yourself against. I was
In too many pieces by then to actually care
But I regret it now. You were
A sweet boy, before I
To the man I lost to the beltway,
I heard you ran a clean campaign
I heard you won a tight race.
I could have been there with you,
Not beside you)
But I wasn’t sure if you needed me
Or my face. To the man
Who tried to buy me
With a sixty thousand dollar promise ring,
You taught me:
My heart is free,
My time is priceless,
My energy is invaluable, and
My peace of mind is not for sale.
To the man who threw my heart away,
I would have sexed you mad with ‘Vodka, and water, and a lemon’.
I would have mentioned
Those other things.
I would have waited forever for you if the only thing I had to compete with was
I would have warmed you with my light and fed you from the bosom
Of my spirit.
I. Would Have. Loved. you
But you are not my Valentine.